Here I Am, Lost

At the end of 2023, I was standing in Barnes and Noble for the first time in at least 5 years. My husband was spending a Christmas gift card, so he was in his favorite section: Self-Development. Me, I immediately found my way to the Memoirs. I love reading about people's life experiences. There's no better way for me to understand and empathize with others than by knowing the details and the background to understand and appreciate what they've gone through, overcome, or accomplished. Is this the counselor in me? Maybe. Mostly, I respect the bravery of vulnerability and transparency. 

Scanning the shelf, the random books that I picked up were based on one thing: the 50% off sticker. I'm budget conscious. Windfall by Erika Bolstad was one of those books. I read the front flap and a few words/phrases immediately stood out: great-grandmother, husband committed her to an asylum, family mineral rights, oil companies, rich thanks to the legacy of a woman 

My mouth might have dropped open. I had already made the decision to spend 2024 digging deep into myself to finally answer the question once and for all: Is my female independence a blessing or a curse. Throughout 2023, I'd been contemplating 1) Understanding how I came from multiple generations of women who were strong, financially independent, successful women, yet I feel so insecure with my own independence, 2) Digging into my early adulthood traumas that I've compartmentalized and tucked deep and far away, 3) Facing my extreme distrust for men, and 4) Spirituality and religion: What do I truly believe? By knowing more, by understanding the blood that runs through my veins, maybe I could finally understand, accept, and love myself for who I am. 

On January 2, 2024, I started Windfall alongside my journey of self-discovery through journaling. 

“If you know where you are, you always know where you stand. Here I was, though, lost.” Erika Bolstad 

I have never felt so understood. This was confirmation I made the right choice when I randomly picked this book up just a few days earlier. Now I wonder if it was a random selection. Considering spirituality is part of my 2024 exploration, I find this interesting, too. Only time will tell me.